UBU-DADA!

by Jamie boller

 

A play for each month since Pa Ubu 45 was elected Supreme Leader. Each of these 16 plays has a title and should be listened to as if a separate play. A very short, absurdly nonsensical part of a very disturbing whole.

 

The First Play in this Series is called Make it Great, or Mama Ubu Uses Her Words

 

Lights up on a bare, white room. The walls extend upwards into the sky. We can’t be sure how far back the room goes. It seems to extend much farther than the appropriate depth of a theatre. The whiteness of the room is blinding and sterile. A woman, Ma Ubu, emerges, quite loudly and rudely, through the back doors of the theatre. Perhaps she bumps into a few well-intentioned audience members along the way, but she definitely mutters obscenities on her way to the stage. She finds the edge of the stage and hoists herself up, maybe flashing the audience on the way up. She begins to speak, almost like an infant sounding out her first words.

 

Ma Ubu: P-p-p-potus. Scruh-scruh-scroh-scrotus. Poh-tus. Scro-tus. Potus. Scrotus.

 

Ma Ubu turns to the audience and squints. She takes everyone in. She is dressed in 19th century European mourning garb. Complete with black veil, gloves, and dainty handkerchief. Lifting her veil…

 

Ma Ubu: I’m in mourning for my life.

 

She reveals a pill bottle from her handbag, chunks what seems to be about 15 orange tic-tacs into her mouth, and guzzles it all down with a swig of Diet Coke.

 

Ma Ubu: POTUS SCROTUS!

 

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The Play After, Where You Think About Death

 

A hand holding a gun emerges from a curtain.

 

A shot.

 

A woman wailing.

 

Repeat.

 

A shot.

 

A woman wailing.

 

Repeat.

 

A shot.

 

A woman wailing.

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The Third Play, When Pa Ubu 45 Officially Becomes Supreme Leader

 

Something gold and tacky begins to descend from the heavens, as the trumpets sound.

 

(From offstage, shouting, a Stage Manager) Stage Manager: Lower! Lower, damn you!

 

(From the other side of the stage, also shouting, a Pulley Puller) Pulley Puller: I’m trying! It’s stuck!

 

Stage Manager: He’s still not on, Kevin!

 

Pully Puller: I am working on it! Give me a second!!

 

A great heaving sound from Kevin. A fart from above. A tacky golden lawn chair, in which Pa Ubu 45 sits, plummets to the ground. Pa Ubu 45 wears a suit that is bursting at the seams (it is far too small for his muscular 239lb physique.) He wears a McDonald’s paper crown atop his very large head.

 

Pa Ubu 45: Folks, now folks, wasn’t that the smoothest, most best and great entrance you have ever seen in your entire—? I mean!

 

He presses a red button on his chair. Cue applause.

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A Play in Memoriam of Covefe

 

Pa Ubu 45: Lil’ Mikey Peence? Lil’ Peence!!

 

Lil Peence enters. He has a hunchback and an exaggerated limp. His voice is Gollum-esque. He wears an American flag-toga.

 

Lil Peence: Yes, your excellency?

 

Pa Ubu 45: Fetch me my covefe.

 

Lil Peence: Your covefe, my lord.

 

Pa Ubu 45: Why, this covefe is stale!

 

Lil Peence: I assure you, it is the freshest covefe we have!

 

Pa Ubu tweets furiously.

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A Play Where Pa Ubu Passes out Trying to Finish An Entire Double-Triple-Quadruple-Octahedral Cheesburger with Special Sauce

 

Lil Peence: I have torn up your meat the way you like it, Your Holiness. And here is your side of French Fries.

 

Pa Ubu 45: Are these potatoes dirty French pussses, Lil Peence?

 

Lil Peence: Freedom Fries, Oh Handsome One. I meant Freedom Fries.

 

Pa Ubu 45 lets out a burp that shakes the Earth.

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#6: Lil Peence Heals the Homosexuals

 

Lil Peence rubs a drag queen’s temples.

 

Lil Peence (to the tune of “Rain Rain Go Away”): Gayyyy gayyyy, go awayyy. Come again another day.

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The Shit Hole Countries Have Something to Say to Pa Ubu 45

 

Pa Ubu 45: Who are you losers?

 

Ambassador Shit Hole 1: We come from the Lands of Many Shits.

 

Ambassador Shit Hole 2: We have journeyed far and waded through much feces to get here.

 

Ambassador Shit Hole 3: And we are fucking pissed.

 

Pa Ubu 45: Ohhhhh! These are my friends—the Ambassadors of the Shit Hole CUNT-ries.

 

Ambassador Shit Hole 1: Africa is NOT a country.

 

Ambassador Shit Hole 2: And we are NOT your friends.

 

Ambassador Shit Hole 3: Yeah, Haiti hates your fat ass.

 

All Ambassadors: We have come to kill you.

 

Pa Ubu 45 laughs maniacally as he types on his phone. A tweet appears on the wall.

 

Pa Ubu 45: Haitian immigrants all have AIDS, and you Nigerians better go back to your huts.

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A Play in Which We All Contemplate Symbolism

 

A bear dances across the stage eating a bag of stale Cheeto’s. She stops midway and looks at the audience.

 

Bear: Politics are unBEARable.

 

Rimshot.

 

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A Play Because Sometimes You Feel Bad for Ma Ubu

 

Ma Ubu sits on Pa Ubu 45’s enormous, gaping lap. She stares out at nothing in particular.

 

Pa Ubu 45: Isn’t she beautiful, folks? Have you ever seen such a sexy, hot and most obeydient woman in your entire? And YUGE jugs, am I right?

 

Ma Ubu: (quietly, to herself) To be. Or not. To be. That is. The question.

 

Pa Ubu 45: (hissing) Shut up, shut UP, you bitcshhh! You’re making me LOOK BAD!

 

Ma Ubu begins to weep.

 

Pa Ubu 45: Sorry folks, you know women, I mean absolutely right, they are a delicate and pretty thing meant to be taken care of, how about women, huh? LOVE them. Love them without asking! But only the most beauty-full.

 

Ma Ubu (whispering to the audience): #metoo

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A Play for #NotAllWhitePeople

 

An Oompa Loompa walks across the stage carrying a picket sign that reads, “Orange Lives Matter.”

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All of the Ambassadors from Countries that Pa Ubu 45 has Egregiously Insulted Come Together in a White House

 

Mexican Ambassador: Pa Ubu, I am the Ambassador of Rapists and Drug Dealers.

 

North Korean Ambassador: Pa Ubu, I am the Ambassador of Being Short and Fat and Having Nuclear Weapons.

 

Iranian Ambassador: Pa Ubu, I am the Ambassador of Terrorists and ISIS.

 

No less than three hours of introductions later…

 

American Ambassador: Pa Ubu, I am the Ambassador of Being Sick and Tired of Your BullSHITE.

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After a Year with Pa Ubu 45, the Ambassadors Strike Back

 

Ambassadors (chanting): Rip out his heart! Rip out his heart!

 

They open Pa Ubu’s chest, to find that it is hollow. Pa Ubu laughs maniacally.

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Lil Peence Wants Theatre to Be a Safe Space

The following is a Voice from Above.

 

A Voice From Above: We, sir—we—                                                

are the diverse America                                               

who are alarmed and anxious                                                              

that your new administration                                                  

will not protect us,                                                                  

our planet,

our children,

our parents,

or defend us

and uphold

our inalienable rights.

We truly hope that this show has inspired you

to uphold our American values and to work

on behalf of all of us.

 

Lil Peence: Theatre is supposed to be a SAFE SPACE.

 

Pa Ubu 45: Ugh. This is so rude.

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The Audience Rebels

 

The audience in the theatre begins to get up and follow the Ambassadors out of the theatre.

 

Ma Ubu: Wait for me!

 

Ma Ubu runs out of the theatre. Lil Peence hums the National Anthem feverishly.

 

Pa Ubu 45: This is the biggest and most great audience there has ever been! I mean, YUGE.

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The Stage Manager Gets Sick of Running This Play and Leaves Pa Ubu 45 Alone

 

Pa Ubu 45 sits onstage in darkness.

 

Pa Ubu 45: Hello? Is there anyone there?

 

Silence.

 

Pa Ubu 45: Wanna hear a dick joke?

 

The ghost light turns on.

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The Last Play in The Series, In Which the Playwright Imagines a Usurpation in the 16th Month of Pa Ubu’s Reign

Generic Serious NewsCaster: Good evening. We interrupt your regularly scheduled program if you haven’t yet cancelled your cable subscription and anyone is actually listening, to bring you this Breaking News Story. This just in: Pa Ubu 45 has officially been replaced in office, by a surly white boy named Duane with an assault rifle. Duane has decided it is time for a Nice Guy to be in charge for once. For his first major decision in office, Duane will be enforcing dates with those who have been relegated to the “Friend Zone.” Duane and his First Lady, Assault Rifle Karen, will be speaking to a room full of terrified schoolchildren later this evening. Please tune in for Live Coverage—that is, if you are finished with your binge-streaming for the evening.

Next up! 16 Things You Never Knew About Your Cat’s Butthole!

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End of Plays.

All (a war cry): DADA!